I’ve always loved the holidays…it’s always been my favorite time of year. Always. No matter what was going on in my life, the holidays, particularly Xmas, filled me with excitement and joy. As a child, of course, I loved the decorations, the songs, and, of course, the gifts…the anticipation…seeing them under the tree…wondering what was inside…the unwrapping. As an adult, I slowly came to love the GIVING of gifts more than the receiving. Don’t think I’m some sort of saint, I am most definitely not…but, I realized that there were few gifts that could surprise and delight me, and I realized that the FUN in giving was surprising and delighting others. I would spend much of the year, watching for, searching for and, hopefully finding, the *perfect* gift (or gifts) for the people on my holiday list.
This year is much different. I have had no money for finding the perfect gift for anyone. I have had no time to make the perfect gift for anyone. I have had no energy, even if I managed to find the time. My sweet baby girl has told me that she doesn’t want gifts from her daddy and me. Though, she still believes that Santa will surprise her with something wonderful. That breaks my heart more than it has ever been broken.
I thank my lucky stars that I have my sweet baby girl, because, I’m afraid, if I didn’t have her, I would just give up. I don’t think I could face the holidays, this year. I know that I have not lost a loved one, as far as we know, we all have our health. For that, I AM thankful. But, I feel that my life has been lost. All the hard work I have done, everything…is just gone….POOOOOF! I’m back to square one, except without my youth, energy and hope. I have nightmares that my teeth have fallen out…one day soon, I’m afraid that nightmare will be a reality. I can’t see any silver lining through all of the dark, dismal fog that has enveloped my life. Oh, I put on the happiest face I can muster, for my daughter. But I cry, when she’s not around. I’m sad. I didn’t know I could feel so sad for such a long time. I think this must be depression, but I don’t think it’s a chemical depression…I don’t think it’s physiological. I think it’s depression over the state of my life and my feelings of hopelessness. I just don’t see how it can get better.
I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the holidays, this year. I don’t feel cheerful or festive. I *can’t* be giving. All I can do is get up, go to work, pay the bills that we can pay, and keep hoping for a miracle. But, I don’t believe in miracles, really. I always believed that a person MADE their own “good fortune”. I believed in karma. I don’t believe in karma, anymore. The longer this drags on, the less I believe in anything. Aside from my husband and daughter, I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life. I don’t feel like anyone cares about us…not our extended families…not our “friends”…not anyone. Maybe that’s part of why I feel as bad as I do…because, it hurts to think that the people you always believed loved and/or cared about you, really don’t care at all.
Soon, it will be time to get out the Xmas decorations…I won’t be able to avoid doing it, as I managed to avoid dealing with Halloween. My daughter is already talking about it. I *am* motivated to make the holidays as special as I can…my sweet baby girl is my motivation. But, thinking about it fills my heart with sorrow. It literally aches.
I’m tired of being sad. I hate the fact that I have wasted over a year being sad. But, I don’t know what to do about it. I feel as though I’m doing everything I can do, it’s just “too little, too late”. So, for the first time, in fifty Christmases, I’m dreading it. That’s probably the saddest thing of all.
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