Got to admit, it’s getting better…

a little better, all the time (It can’t get no worse).

That’s the song I keep thinking about, though, I’m afraid to think about it TOO much…

Thanksgiving was nice…I really enjoyed and appreciated my “time off” from my part time job(s).  I also got quite a bit done…though, as is always the case, I could use at least another day….

I’ve been feeling “less” sad.  I found a wonderful website called “Wish Upon A Hero”.  I’ve been granting wishes there, sending things my daughter no longer uses to children who wouldn’t have had any Christmas gifts.  That has really lifted my spirits and helped me to see how lucky we are, compared to so many others.  It’s so sad to know how bad things are for so many people.  But, it definitely makes one appreciate their life.

We’ve scheduled a date for our bankruptcy “filing”.  I’m really nervous about it…I hate not knowing what’s going on, and, our “attorney” is not communicative AT ALL.  I send email messages (which is the way I was instructed to communicate, by her office), and never get a response.  But, we’re getting what we pay for…a “budget” bankruptcy doesn’t merit attention from the attorney or even staff of the attorney.  :-(

I AM looking forward to our phone not ringing all day long with calls from bill collectors.  That should stop, shortly after we file.  :-)

I’m also hopeful about Obama’s plan to “shame” the banks into getting loan mods going.  We have delayed calling about ours because of their horrible “track record”.  I’ve kept hoping that the government would just finally allow bankruptcy judges to “cram down” loans on homes, but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen before our filing.

Anyway, while the holiday season seemed as though it would be really, really, REALLY hard to deal with,  I’m thinking, now, that it will only be “a little hard to deal with”.  I can handle that.

Happy Holidays to all.

All I Want for Christmas is…..

a Bank-Rupt-Cy….Sung to the tune of “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth”. Hey…might as well TRY to add some joy to the holidays, this year.

Dreading the Holidays….

I’ve always loved the holidays…it’s always been my favorite time of year.  Always.  No matter what was going on in my life, the holidays, particularly Xmas, filled me with excitement and joy.  As a child, of course, I loved the decorations, the songs, and, of course, the gifts…the anticipation…seeing them under the tree…wondering what was inside…the unwrapping.  As an adult, I slowly came to love the GIVING of gifts more than the receiving.  Don’t think I’m some sort of saint, I am most definitely not…but, I realized that there were few gifts that could surprise and delight me, and I realized that the FUN in giving was surprising and delighting others.  I would spend much of the year, watching for, searching for and, hopefully finding, the *perfect* gift (or gifts) for the people on my holiday list.

This year is much different.  I have had no money for finding the perfect gift for anyone.  I have had no time to make the perfect gift for anyone.  I have had no energy, even if I managed to find the time.  My sweet baby girl has told me that she doesn’t want gifts from her daddy and me.  Though, she still believes that Santa will surprise her with something wonderful.  That breaks my heart more than it has ever been broken.

I thank my lucky stars that I have my sweet baby girl, because, I’m afraid, if I didn’t have her, I would just give up.  I don’t think I could face the holidays, this year.  I know that I have not lost a loved one, as far as we know, we all have our health.  For that, I AM thankful.   But, I feel that my life has been lost.  All the hard work I have done, everything…is just gone….POOOOOF!  I’m back to square one, except without my youth, energy and hope.  I have nightmares that my teeth have fallen out…one day soon, I’m afraid that nightmare will be a reality.  I can’t see any silver lining through all of the dark, dismal fog that has enveloped my life.  Oh, I put on the happiest face I can muster, for my daughter.  But I cry, when she’s not around.  I’m sad.  I didn’t know I could feel so sad for such a long time.  I think this must be depression, but I don’t think it’s a chemical depression…I don’t think it’s physiological.  I think it’s depression over the state of my life and my feelings of hopelessness.  I just don’t see how it can get better.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the holidays, this year.  I don’t feel cheerful or festive.  I *can’t* be giving.  All I can do is get up, go to work, pay the bills that we can pay, and keep hoping for a miracle.  But, I don’t believe in miracles, really.  I always believed that a person MADE their own “good fortune”.  I believed in karma.  I don’t believe in karma, anymore.  The longer this drags on, the less I believe in anything.  Aside from my husband and daughter, I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt in my life.  I don’t feel like anyone cares about us…not our extended families…not our “friends”…not anyone.  Maybe that’s part of why I feel as bad as I do…because, it hurts to think that the people you always believed loved and/or cared about you, really don’t care at all.

Soon, it will be time to get out the Xmas decorations…I won’t be able to avoid doing it, as I managed to avoid dealing with Halloween.  My daughter is already talking about it.  I *am* motivated to make the holidays as special as I can…my sweet baby girl is my motivation.  But, thinking about it fills my heart with sorrow.  It literally aches.

I’m tired of being sad.  I hate the fact that I have wasted over a year being sad.  But, I don’t know what to do about it.  I feel as though I’m doing everything I can do, it’s just “too little, too late”.    So, for the first time, in fifty Christmases, I’m dreading it.  That’s probably the saddest thing of all.

Three’s A Charm, They Say………..

I got my third part time job, today.  I am trying to have a positive attitude about it, but I’m scared…it’s a small company, but the owner seems like he’ll be difficult to work for.  I hope I’m wrong…I’m going to give it my best shot, but I’m scared.  I guess the “good news” is that there’s no mopping, dusting, laundry or toilet cleaning involved in the job.  The bad news is that the one and only computer is a very very old Windoze machine.  I’m a Mac girl…I’m spoiled…I’m not used to the blue screen of death, losing documents, or, worse, the ugly Windoze interface.

I hope it works out…if it does, and I keep the other two part time housekeeping jobs, I’ll be pulling in about $1k a month.  Hopefully, that, together with what I can do on ebay on weekends, should help us.  I’m so tired…I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired in my life.  I hope I can keep it together……

If anyone reads this, please send some good vibes my way, I really need them.

Will this sadness ever end?

I am so sad, again, today.  I just hate this.  I hate having money (or the lack thereof) be the focus of every waking thought.  But, that is what my life has become.  I have to think about whether I can afford to buy even the smallest thing.  And then there’s Christmas, which will be here before I know it…I don’t have enough money for the necessities…how am I going to get any gifts for my sweet baby girl?  And, when she tells me that we don’t need to give her anything, if we don’t have the money, I feel a million times worse.  If she acted like a spoiled rotten brat, it would be so much easier, but I know she really means it.  Of course, she still believes in Santa, so she thinks HE can help us out.  :-(

Life’s a bitch…then, you die.  Sucks.

Bank of America Steals From the Poor to Pad Their Bottom Line

Among the companies I most despise in this wonderful land of capitalism run amok, is Bank of America. It is really running, neck in neck, with Ebay, in the level of seething hatred I feel for it.

I have just spent the past several hours crying my eyes out because, they turned a SIX DOLLAR shortage in my account into ONE HUNDRED FORTY DOLLARS in “overdraft” fees. Honestly I can’t even understand exactly HOW they did it, and I suppose, that’s exactly what THEY are “banking” on. I made a YouTube video about it, though I was so upset, I didn’t do much more than cry.

I am asking anyone within reading distance, who has a Bank of America account, to close it. I’m sure there’s no way I can hurt them as badly as they have hurt me, but damn it, I can try. I created a “special” YouTube account, just for them called IHATEBankofAmerica.

I have to clean toilets and mop floors for over SEVENTEEN hours to make $140. Is it REALLY fair that they can manipulate things in a way so as to STEAL money from someone who has to work so hard? They might as well have held a gun to my head and stolen my purse…oh, but I forgot…there’s no MONEY in my PURSE, it’s all been in the Bank of America checking account. I’ll be correcting THAT mistake, today. I’m closing the accounts there and moving to a local credit union.

FUCK YOU, BANK OF AMERICA!

Procrastination and dread, added to hopelessness and depression

Equal having to get my 2008 tax return completed and mailed by October 15th.  I’m really really dreading dealing with it.  I don’t really know why.  It’s definitely not going to be *nearly* as complicated as tax returns of previous years.  I guess I just know it will dredge up everything I want to forget about 2008.  I will have to look at all the money I lost in our investments.  I will have to look at all the money we lost on the house we have been unable to sell.  I will have to look at the “refund” we are due, knowing that there’s no way in HELL the IRS is going to send it to us…they’re going to keep it to put toward our monumentally huge tax bill.  So, I’m trying to take the advice I give my 9 year old daughter, when she faces something she doesn’t want to deal with…just DO IT!

Today, except for that sweet baby daughter of mine, death seems like it just might be a better option.  I hate that I feel this way…but, when you see no light…not even a flicker or a tiny speck of light…ahead, it’s really really hard to KEEP finding the strength to keep trudging along.

On top of everything else…having paid the attorney her “retainer”, I have received NO answers to the questions I have regarding how to complete the huge stack of paperwork I was given, to prepare for the bankruptcy.  Another case of giving someone money and getting the shaft.  People are assholes.

And, finally, the phone seems to be ringing much less.  It actually only rang FOUR TIMES yesterday!  OMG!  THAT is weird!  Guess the bill collectors are moving on to the next phase of their efforts…whatever THAT may be.

Something to make you laugh…

I was browsing Craigslist and came across this post…made me laugh…I’d be willing Robbie won’t even be able to sell it for $5.  ROTFL

Framed portrait of President Bush

Moving, must sell soon

Call Robbie at (xxx) xxx-xxxx

• Location: Downtown
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I’m tired and I’m really really sad

I’m so tired all the time. I’m so tired of being sad and depressed.  I’m so tired of crying.  I’m so tired of thinking about money CONSTANTLY.

People tell you that money doesn’t buy happiness.  I know that’s true.  I’m not thinking of all the “stuff” I could buy if I had the money.  I’m wondering how I’m going to pay my ELECTRIC bill…I’m wondering how the bankruptcy judge is going to believe that we have the chance of a snowball in hell of “covering” all or our expenses AND a payment on a Chapter 13 “plan”.    I try to put aside the thoughts and just focus on what I *can* do, but then, the phone rings…it’s another creditor.  No, I don’t answer it…I have not spoken to ONE creditor…I figure “what’s the point?”  They want money…I have none.  I can’t tell them anything they want to hear and they sure don’t have anything good to say to me.  So, I let the answering machine catch the call…but I hear the ring…I know what it’s about.  It’s sort of like having a cushioned chair with a nail sticking out…it doesn’t poke you *every* time you sit, but it pokes you a lot.  I’m constantly being poked.  :-(

I have such conflicted feelings about so many things.  First is my housekeeping job…I’ve now been twice.  I think the couple likes me.  I certainly HOPE they do…when I’m there, I work CONSTANTLY, as quickly and efficiently and effectively as possible.  I don’t stop…I work for 6 hours straight.  When I leave, I feel as if I’m going to die.  I’m SO tired.  It takes me the rest of the day, and most of the next, to recover.  Don’t get me wrong…it’s the only “job” I’ve managed to get, and I’m VERY VERY glad to have it…but I’m already dreading tomorrow, because I feel tired now, and I know how much MORE tired I’m going to feel, after I finish and collect my $60.

I’ve been trying to think of other ways (besides being an Ebay prostitute) to make money.  I’ve considered a couple of things…selling Plasma and moving my daughter out of her room so we can rent it out to a student.

Neither of those ideas are “great” ones.  They both have fairly large drawbacks.

Selling plasma…on the surface, doesn’t sound too bad.  $20 for maybe 45 minutes and you can sell it up to three times a week…I’m guessing every other day.  The problem is that every crack head in town goes to the place to sell THEIR plasma.  Have I sunk low enough that I am ready to sit around with every crack head in town?  I don’t know…I’ve driven by a couple of times, but  haven’t been able to bring myself to park and go inside.  I am continuing to keep that idea on the back burner.

Renting my daughter’s room…again, on the surface, it sounds like a viable option.  But, I was talking to a friend who pointed out some of the problems, particularly because it would be a “shared” bathroom situation, as well as the fact that there’s no separate entrance to my daughter’s room.  I’m thinking if we just did a short term thing, it might not be too bad…but I don’t know…back burner for that idea, too, I guess.

I laughingly told my husband I could sell a kidney.  He thinks I’m kidding…but, honest to god…I WOULD sell it, if it would stop this constant sadness.  I wish I was younger, and more attractive…I think I’d have a lot more “options”, if I were.

I’m still listing anything and everything I can put my hands on, on Ebay.  But, it’s a lot of work for not-so-much money.  Anyone who says the sellers on ebay have an easy job has NEVER sold much on ebay.

I’m still trying to figure out where the “extra” $1500 for the attorney is going to come from.  And, then there’s Christmas…it’s ALWAYS been my FAVORITE holiday.  Not for the gifts I *received*, but for the gifts I could *give*.  For the first time in my entire life, I am dreading Christmas.  Just typing that makes me cry.

I have to keep reminding myself how much my daughter loves and needs me.  I tell myself that, over and over.  If not for her, I *would* give up.  I AM “beat”.  Honestly, I just don’t see “the point”, beyond my baby girl.   I don’t even REMEMBER the time when I didn’t feel this way.  But, worse, I don’t have any *hope* that I won’t feel this way for the rest of my life.  I think THAT is what makes me saddest.

We Interrupt This Blog…..Jon Gosselin Speaks

OMG!  I think I am going to throw up!

Either Jon Gosselin is the most gigantic JERK on the planet or he is the DUMBEST person on the planet!

Come ON, Jon!  What  you HAVE done and what you CONTINUE to do and say are SO VERY WRONG on so MANY levels.

Of course, the most important one is YOUR CHILDREN!!!  Remember those INNOCENT little people that you and Kate brought into this world?????  Yes, I know…you are having a mid-life crisis…no, Jon…you don’t have to actually be in your “mid-life” years to have one…you are exhibiting ALL the “classic” indicators…even my husband agrees.

One day, you may actually REALIZE what you have done.  But, today was not that day.  No…not by a long shot.  Today, you went on national television to announce to the world that you DESPISE your soon-to-be-ex-wife.  But, you forget, Jon…SHE IS THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!  You are such a selfish person (and, “person” is NOT my word of choice here…but I have decided to exhibit some restraint…something you couldn’t POSSIBLY understand).  So, YOU blame Kate for “verbally abusing” you.  WAH WAH WAH!  You friggin’ cry baby!  GROW UP!  GROW SOME GONADS and ACCEPT the responsibility for YOUR decisions.  Don’t go on national tv and whine about how mistreated you were!  If you think that will make ANYONE feel “sorry” for you, you are SORELY mistaken.  You continue to show the WORLD what a thoughtless, selfish person you are.

Actually, on second thought…I think you are the planet’s biggest jerk AND the planet’s dumbest person.

The sadness I feel for what you are doing to your children is beyond the comprehension of someone as selfish are you are proving yourself to be.  You are RUINING their lives, and you are too wrapped up in YOURSELF to even realize what you are doing.

Every time you THOUGHTLESSLY open your mouth to “defend” your abhorrent behavior, you hurt those innocent lives.  You are deluding yourself into believing that they will not be hurt…maybe you have even convinced yourself you can keep them away from “it”…but, one day, they WILL see you for who and what you are…you should be very concerned about that day because it could be the end of their willingness to continue a relationship with you.

Do the *intelligent* thing here and SHUT UP!  Stop trying to “defend” yourself.  Stop making excuses, while bashing the mother of your children.  Kate may not be perfect, but your behavior in all of this has made her look like a saint, in comparison to you.  Kate may not be the nicest person in the world, but she’s a MILLION times SMARTER than you are…she doesn’t bash you, she doesn’t do things that make her *seem* anything but the most devoted mother in the world.  You could take a lesson or two from her.

So, yes, I admit, I will be watching your interview on television, tonight.  I’m sure it will infuriate me, even more.  I have no doubt that you will stick your foot as far down your throat as is humanly possible.  I expect you will be sitting on it, by the end of the interview.